My wife: “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, and your obsession with Tennis!” Me: “That’s 15 love!”
Before sharing something important with my wife, I hold both her hands. That way, she can’t hit me with them.
Upon getting home last night, my wife demanded an expensive outing. So, I took her to a gas station.
When my wife proclaims, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis!” I retort, “That’s 15 love!”
Marriage keeps us from bickering with strangers and neighbors—nature’s peacemaking strategy!
After a decade of marriage, my wife apologized for the first time in front of me today. She said she was sorry she married me.
Spotting my wife engrossed in Gordon Ramsay’s cooking show, I sternly exclaimed, “STOP WATCHING THAT SHOW!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!” To which she retorted, “SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN, DON’T YOU?!!!”
Arriving home, my wife wanted to dine somewhere lavish. So, I escorted her to a gas station.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling.
When my wife packs a salad for my lunch, all I want to know is what I did wrong.
Your marriage might be in trouble if your wife utters, “You’re only interested in one thing,” and you can’t recall what that one thing is.
Secret formula for married couples: “Love One Another” And if that doesn’t work, insert the last word in the middle!
Wife: Define ten years spent with me. Husband: Fleeting. Wife: Describe $1,000 for me. Husband: A mere token. Wife: Fine, hand me a token. Husband: Just wait a moment.
On a frigid winter morning, a wife sends a text to her husband, “Windows are frozen, won’t budge.” Swiftly, the husband responds, “Gently warm it with lukewarm water and tap the edges with a hammer.” After five minutes, the wife texts back, “The computer’s in quite a state now.”
The signs of aging become apparent when your wife says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and your response is, “I can’t multitask.”
Wife: Our anniversary is here, my love. How shall we commemorate? Husband: With a minute of contemplative silence?
Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Honey bee! Honey bee who? Honey, be a dear and fetch me a soda!
From the moment we both said “I do,” we’ve yet to concur on a single matter.
Wife starts with a “W,” Coincidentally, like all questions inquiring. Who? Why? What? When? Which? Whom? Where?
Q: If love is referred to as “grand,” then how can we describe divorce? A: As a financial setback of a hundred grand or more.
Wife: Darling, I have wonderful news—I’m pregnant. Husband: Well, Pregnant, I’m dad! Wife: No, you’re not.
Every man aspires for a wife who’s beautiful, intelligent, affectionate, attractive, and cooperative. Unfortunately, marrying more than one woman is against the law.
Comparing marriage to a leisurely park stroll? More like Jurassic Park adventure.
My girlfriend accused me of being unfaithful. I responded that she’s echoing the sentiments of my wife.
I inquired about my wife’s dinner plans—turns out, she’s “burning up” all my personal belongings.
My doctor advised me to break a sweat daily. I reassured him I’d simply start deceiving my wife.
Scientists believed they uncovered the secret to a woman’s desires. Regrettably, she’s had a change of heart since then.
Since requiring a wheelchair, my husband’s manners have taken a nosedive. He’s now pushing me around and spreading rumors.
Why does a rooster crow at dawn? To sneak in a word before the hens rise.
